Building a true foundation for work
A few years ago I left the editorial styling arena, you could say it was consequential but in truth it was a conscious choice from my soul. I deeply love beautiful expressions but I wonder what is the point of this, such beautiful styling produced, then what? It’s fun to gather people and work together but it’s come to the point that I know there is more. I can bring more and go deeper. It’s been a journey not easy to say the least, to peel down the layers of a stable, comfortable and recognizable status to frequent comments of what actually do you do now? The comments of not knowing if I’m modeling or teaching or entrepreneuring are enough to make me doubt but time and time again I come back to my own settlement and without needing to label myself I’m allowing myself and others the space to truly feel who I am. And I realize there is no need to do anything if living from knowing my value then whether I’m cleaning toilets or being a CEO there is no difference in essence. I know there is so much more I can bring but the secret is not doing more, rather committing to everything necessary with the same resolute, commitment and joy.
In the beginning when I first lost my job, I felt compromised without fully appreciating the opportunity that is being offered to me.
For many years I worked in comfort. Always I have been able to get by with doing the bare minimum in work. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but the way that it was done was my protection of being comfortable.
I have so much to offer, but I chose to only offer a small part, the part which I know I will be accepted. But I still got rejected in the end when I was made redundant due to a staff change, and I knew I could no longer hide in my little self-constructed sanctuary.
I'm being super honest here. So for two years even though I got by (barely sometimes and always on a rocky ride), I was going at it with the belief that I was not enough. This is too to be appreciated though. Because I got to see how I made the process super difficult for myself.
Even though my husband and I did amazing work and had very rewarding results, I was not able to appreciate that enough. Instead, because of my foundation of not accepting that I was truly amazing, I was unable to fully accept the results that were presented to me. Whatever profits we earned, I didn't care for it or appreciate it enough.
So everything was about my perception, how real I was seeing everything. I had colored glasses on, not rose colored glasses, but dark colored glasses. So I dismissed the true awesomeness that was right in front of my eyes.
In fact, when I repeatedly refused to see truth, truth would keep presenting itself in front of me, until I finally got it.
It was not that I could not do awesome work, I know I do it every time. But I did not value the work that I do enough, so how could it be greatly valued by others? No one but I created my own reality of how much my work is valued and demanded in the world. It was all my own meticulous effort. As ironic as it sounds, for many years I used a lot of energy to keep myself small and in struggle.
I am not special, in that most of us do not truly value ourselves or what we do, and therefore to survive and constantly not feel knocked down by life, we would drive ourselves busier and busier, doing more and more to prove to ourselves and the world that we are worth it. Even though our body and health are complaining, we would ignore because without the recognition from the world we feel worthless and lost.
What I appreciate is I totally know how this feels in my body now and how the temporal way of driving ourselves to exhaustion and calling it success absolutely does not work, because even though there may or may not be the return of money, nevertheless we still feel empty and not enough because our foundation is not solid.
What I appreciate even more is that I listened to my body and did not totally disregard it. And in the process, even though I did not gain crazy money from constant drive, I gained my own self- respect. And because of that my body opened up the awareness for me to expose my shaky foundation and to choose to rebuild this again.
Life is always ever so loving to us, always.
And I deeply appreciate that to rebuild from a solid and sacred foundation, even at this point in my life where society tells me I’m supposed to have it all, I’m choosing to start from a true foundation and to learn to be supported by the body. In a few years, I am sure to report back on the money side of things.